Our Lady of Perpetual Worry

I worry about a lot of things. I’m really good at it since lord knows I’ve had years of practice. I do most of my best worrying from three to six in the morning. I worry about losing clients. I worry about money. I worry about my kids. I worry my grandchildren will be Yankees. The list is endless.  I think Southerners are better at worrying than folks from other regions. We kind of make it a religion- at least we incorporate it into our religion.  I guess you could say it is the root of many Southern denominations.  You know all that hellfire and damnation had to come from somebody worrying about being bad. I think a lot Southern preachers get most of the sermons from worrying. Worrying that people aren’t repenting. Worrying that people are committing one or more of the seven deadly sins. In the south missing Sunday School counts as one of those.  Worrying the collection plate will be empty or the sound system goes out during the altar call.  I think growing up in that environment helped me hone my worrying skills.

I must not be alone considering the myriad of inspirational posts on facebook- you know with the sappy flowers and unicorns. They say things like worry has never changed an outcome it just robs your present joy. Yeah right.  I wonder if it makes people feel better to post this stuff. I wonder if they are directing it to me. After all isn’t everything posted on facebook all about you?

Worrying sets you up for the inevitable, whatever that is. You know it is coming you just don’t when, but you know. So when it really happens you almost praise yourself for being psychic.  I’m thinking consummate worriers are really just frustrated psychics.  Maybe all these worries flooding our minds in the wee small hours of the morning are psychic vibes.  Maybe I’m not going broke, it’s my neighbor. Maybe my kid didn’t really get a speeding ticket and not tell me. Maybe it was the girl in front of me in the checkout line at the grocery store.  Maybe if I concentrated I could figure out how to place these worries with the proper owner.

I'm thinking I'll lie awake worrying with little sticky notes. With each new worry, if I really stretch my psychic powers, I could come up with the name of the unfortunate soul this worry rightfully belongs . Now that would be productive!  In the morning I could deliver the worry to its person. I would walk right up and stick it on their lapel and say, “This belongs to you.” Can you imagine the reaction? I’m sure it would not be positive but I would consider it a public service. I mean obviously if they don’t have the good sense to worry about this in the middle of the night and just go about wantonly snoozing while something might happen then someone has to warn them. 

I’m trying to be positive about this apparent gift. All the great persons in history had burdens to bear and most likely it is the way they bore them that made them famous. I know I’m stretching it.  I really don’t think I’ll end up in a masterpiece painting bearing yellow sticky notes. I don’t think I’ll be sainted as “Our Lady of Perpetual Worry.” It is comforting to think about though, but I won’t think of it between three and six since it is comforting and no comforting thoughts are aloud between those hours.

I think my worry may be related to my second best talent-jumping to conclusions. I can jump to conclusions quicker than it takes to get 14 “likes” on facebook after posting a don’t worry meme. Jumping to conclusions, for me anyway, is always in the negative.  I suppose some people jump to positive conclusions but that would only make them foolish optimists and dreamers. Silly people, I’m sure they sleep right through the night leaving the work of proper conclusion jumping and worry to an expert like me.

I revere other worriers. Eyeore and Charlie Brown are trusted companions. I have no time for all that “Power of Positive Thinking” drivel.  Who wants to be around a person who is perpetually optimistic?  Now I’m not talking about being happy.  I understand happy.  I can be happy about all sorts of things like not being run over by a bus, keeping my clients for one more day and not having Yankee grandkids but I have the sensibility to know that it could happen or at least worry that it will.  Perpetually optimistic is downright annoying.  You have to wonder how these people even find their way home at night since every single little thing that happens during the day is an opportunity for growth and a path to somewhere better. I mean shouldn’t they always be ending up somewhere else-like Xanadu? What a stupid place to want to end up what with all the roller skates and spandex. I’ll take my dark room and my dark thoughts. You won’t catch me abandoning my job as a professional worrier. It wouldn’t be the responsible thing to do and I worry about not being responsible.