Finding Your Inner Weirdness

Finding Your Inner Weirdness

There comes a time in every woman’s life when she is convinced she is not normal. This usually involves fluorescent lighting and bathing suits but it has been known manifest in other ways.

 Many times it stems from our inability to reconcile the media female from the one we see in the mirror. The one with spider veins, crepe-paper eyelids, and that ever sagging neck—and this as we are in our early thirties. 

Well dammit, I just freaking give up. I swear I’ve tried to picture myself “fitting in” and I’m sure sometimes I can appear to do so. But honest to god I just don’t.

I hate shopping. I hate "Lifetime Network". I have always hated soap operas. I hate "The Home Shopping Network", and I hate mass media pop culture.

Okay, so I guess hate is a strong word.  I should only reserve the word hate for right-wing misogynistic brain dead nuts. So I don’t hate that crap, let’s just say I don’t care. I’m ambivalent.

I’m drawn to any documentary sporting a monotone voice and a violin. I will inevitably halt on the channel displaying a panel of people looking like rejects from the Dick Cavit show. 

What is wrong with me? I will tell you. I’m boring. I’m a nerd and a policy wonk. The only competitive bone I have in my body, outside of winning for my clients, is the game of trivia.

Bombard me with inane, obscure geography questions and I will summon every ounce of strength I posses to dredge it up from the depths of my “Abbey-Normal” brain just to win a free beer. I don’t drink beer either.

I squirm and become immensely interested in my shoes when the subject turns to the latest television show or movie. I’m sure I haven’t seen it. I live in fear that I will blurt out something stupid like, “Did you guys catch the Brit-Com marathon on PBS last night?” (Insert sound of lone chirping cricket or a giant lobster insect thingy noise if you are a Kafka fan.)

I guess this blog isn’t to make a point. I think this blog is more like, “Are there any other women out there like me?”

God, this is sounding like a Rupert Holmes song. That being noted on to the chorus…

If you like “The Vicar of Dibley”

and watching late night C-Span,

If you’re not into Lifetime

and buying Green Diamond pans,

If you like waking up at midnight

to the voice of Ken Burns.

Then there’s hope for us weirdos

It’s like “As the World Turns.”